


Path of the Heart

by Sarek and Amanda Archive Maintainer (Selek)



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Amanda Grayson - Freeform, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-24
Updated: 2013-03-24
Packaged: 2017-12-06 09:49:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selek/pseuds/Sarek%20and%20Amanda%20Archive%20Maintainer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yet another ‘how they met’ story.</p><p>Written by Amanda Grayson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Path of the Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: This ‘memoir’ was written about twenty years ago. It was first printed in More Missions, More Myths #4 (ed. Wendy Rathbone). While it is always difficult to leave well enough alone, I have attempted to make only minor changes, striving to keep the original tone of this work. 
> 
>  
> 
> Warning: This is a very different Amanda than the one we often read about.

**Compiler's note:  The journals of Amanda Grayson, wife of Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan, were first published five years after the death of their son, Ambassador Spock, almost a hundred years after the author's own demise.  What was then released to the public was a large collection of memoirs, often well-detailed in their account of political and diplomatic events.  They also contained an intimate description of her relationship with her husband.  The beginning of that relationship is reprinted here with the permission of the Ambassador’s granddaughter, Ariel Winston.**

**_'For me, there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart._ ** **_There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there_ ** **_I travel, looking, looking_ ** **_breathlessly.'_ **

**_The Teachings of Don Juan_ **

**Carlos Casteneda**

 

 **1006.02** :  I started my summer job today.  I am tutoring three children in English and Terran history at the Vulcan Embassy.  The children are, of course, Vulcan.  They are T'Li, 3, Sakar, 4, and T'Lin, 5.  They are all new to Terra and do not yet speak English, but I know they will learn fast because they are very intelligent.

It was strange how I got this job.  I work for the Federation Education System and during the year I teach at a school for the kids whose parents are in the Intergalactic Service.  I've taught many different races - once for about two weeks, we even had a couple of Klingons at the school - but never a Vulcan.  Vulcans are very private - one wonders why they ever joined the Federation - they are so private - and in the past, they have had their own tutors, but something is going on at the Embassy - or at least that is what Sam Williams, my supervisor, suspects.

Last week, he told me that there had been a turnover of some sort at the Embassy recently.   'No one really knows what is going on,' he said.  'You know those Vulcans – tight-lipped as Aldebaran shellmouths.  But practically the entire staff of aides was either transferred or dismissed.  Even the healer left.  And now they've asked for a tutor from the outside.' Although we had been informed that this position was just for the summer, Sam and the Federation High Council feel this is the beginning of a more 'open' policy from the Vulcans.

'It has to be coming from Ambassador Sarek,' Sam said. 'He's been trying to establish better relations between Vulcan and the rest of the Federation for the two years he's been here.  Maybe now he'll get something accomplished.’

So far, all he's gotten is unwanted publicity.  I am the first human - the first non-Vulcan actually - to ever step foot past the public quarters of the Embassy.  I told you Vulcans were private.  Sam warned me about this.  He told me the Federation High Commissioner wanted details - but not to leak to the press.  I told him if the High Commissioner wanted details, she could either read about them in her morning download or get the Ambassador to invite her over for tea.  I'm not going to spy.  They have other people to do that.  I don't know what Sam told her - but I still have my job.

So today, when I left the Embassy, I was  surrounded by reporters who all wanted to know

'what it was like'.  I told them it was just like any other Embassy I had been in - I lied.  But more on that later.  Right now I have to crash - it's very late.

Oh - I did meet Ambassador Sarek today - reserved but cute. (!)

 

 

 **1006.03** :  Vulcans are weird - but weirder still is my mother.  Twenty years old, and I still live at home.  It's disgusting - but I'm going for my Masters - and all my money goes for school. As soon as I can, I'm leaving.  Anyway, my mother didn't want me to take this Embassy job. My mother is suspicious of anyone who doesn't come from Terra - or her part of the planet. She said she always worries about me when I have Embassy jobs.  She's worried I'll get kidnapped or raped or something.  I tried to point out that such worries are unfounded where Vulcans are concerned.  Vulcans have no emotions.  Violent crimes - like rape - are illogical to them.  Unfortunately, this did not satisfy her.  She began ranting about how all those emotions - pushed under the surface - have to explode sometime.  I told her that was for humans - not Vulcans.  Then she told me this crazy story about a Vulcan who raped a woman on one of the Martian outposts - this happened twenty-five years ago.  The woman died as a result of the Vulcan's great force.  I asked what happened to the guy and she said it was hushed up -apparently he was a great disgrace to the Vulcan government.  They sent him home and, since then, she said, all Vulcan males who work off-planet have to be either married or engaged.  I don't think Ambassador Sarek is married - or engaged - but I didn't tell my mother.  I really want this job.

I promised to tell you more about the Embassy.  These are details no one else knows except the Vulcans.  No 'outworlder' - that is what they call non-Vulcans - has ever seen the private quarters - until now.

The first thing I noticed on coming into the Embassy was the heat.  Everyone notices this actually - and the public building is generally kept at 25 degrees C as a courtesy.  The offices of the Ambassador and his staff are here.  Everyone who works at the Embassy is Vulcan, even the custodial staff.

I am allowed in only one section of the private quarters.  This section contains the living quarters for the three families whose children I tutor.  The Ambassador's quarters are also located here, on the second floor.  It is a bit hotter - about 32 degrees. That is considered 'cool' to the Vulcans apparently.  Will I last?

Yesterday the healer, Sinn, gave me a brief tour of certain parts of the Embassy.  Sinn looks to me to be middle-aged, and yet he is T'Li's father.  T'Li told me, via translator, that she had two older brothers who go to school on Vulcan.  The oldest is due to start at the Vulcan Science Academy soon.

Sinn confirmed T'Li's story. He said that most of the children were either at school or visiting relatives and that most of them would return in the fall with their tutors.  'These three were too young to be away from their families,' he explained.

He showed me the courtyard and the recreation areas and the classroom where I was to teach.  I also got to see a large dining room which is sometimes used for common meals.  I got a glimpse of a room - the door was open - which was dimly lit and smelled heavily of incense.  Sinn said it was a meditation room, and I was never to go in or disturb anyone in there.  I am also not allowed in any other rooms than the ones he showed me, nor was I allowed to see them.  Sinn made it quite clear that such places were exceedingly private and that violation of his orders meant immediate dismissal.  I agreed to obey - what other choice did I have?

**1006.05** :  I guess Sinn is sort of my supervisor at the Embassy.  He certainly orders me around enough.  I suppose he has nothing else to do.  He is a healer and if no one is sick.... I know he is in charge of training the children.  He gave me their schedule and said it was to be strictly followed.

Everyone at the Embassy gets up at dawn - including the little ones - and from that moment, their training begins.  They meditate, that much I know.  Sinn told me they were not to discuss details of their training with me and if they forgot, I was to remind them.  He did not say it, but I know he thinks of me as an 'outworlder' and he wishes the children to think of me that way too.  He does not want them to forget I am not Vulcan.

After meditation, etc., they breakfast and then I arrive.  Sinn has allowed me great freedom in the manner of my teaching and for that I am grateful.  We study English in the morning and history in the afternoon.  At noon, the children have meditation, lunch and then a rest period. I am allowed to join them and their families for lunch, but that is all.  I feel very lonely here, I do not think Sinn wanted an Earther as a tutor for his daughter - but perhaps he could not overrule the Ambassador.  And I can see why the Ambassador has had such a difficult time. Vulcans seem to be very intolerant of humans, despite their philosophical tenets. I wish the Ambassador were around more.  He is more congenial, but he is very busy.  I do not know if I will last on this job, but Sinn's...intolerance...makes me obstinate.  I will stick it out just for spite.

 

 **1006.08** :  I hate weekends.  I spent it doing lesson plans.  My younger sister is never home -she's always out with friends doing something.  I am at home - doing lesson plans.  My friends – they're all doing their lesson plans - or something else.  I am not like my sister, surrounded by people.  I do better one-on-one, (sigh) I hate weekends.

 

 **1006.09** :  It is rest period.  There is a beautiful fountain in the courtyard surrounded by plants and flowers.  I go there to sit and think.  The sun is shining and it is cooler here than inside. Someone is coming.

 

The Ambassador came this afternoon!  I am in love!  Anyway...he was walking and he saw me and he sat down and talked to me.  He commended me and said I was doing an excellent job with the children.

'Do not let Sinn dissuade you,' he said.  'You are an excellent teacher.  Sinn believes that humans have nothing to teach us.  I am attempting to point out the illogic of this.  I hope you do not mind if you are the example.'

I said I didn't.  I told him it was worth it and he raised an eyebrow! - and - made a face like he was going to smile - but he didn't.  He just said, 'Indeed.'

 **1006.10** :  The Ambassador came again today - which I thought was strange, but I was reading in the courtyard at rest period and there he was.  It is stranger still that we would have anything to talk about, but apparently we do.  He asks me questions about my culture.  I want to ask about his, but I am afraid.  I do not wish to offend or seem to be prying into something that is not my business.  But he is not at all like Sinn.  Around Sinn, I always feel as though I'm right on the verge of doing or saying something wrong.  It is different with the Ambassador, thank God.

 **1006.11** :  T'Li was very proud of herself today.  When I arrived this morning, she ran up to me and announced in English, 'I go to water!'  T'Lin, who is a little older, and a bit more reserved added, 'We see the ocean. My father takes us.'  This was the first time they have spontaneously started a conversation in English, so I decided to follow their lead.  I knew they had all seen the ocean - or at least caught glimpses of it - living in San Francisco, you see it eventually, but when we began working on a language program - it was about the beach - I discovered that it was entirely new to them.  They didn't even have the Vulcan words for 'beach' or 'ocean'.  Later, I discovered there are no such words in Vulcan. I took the portable computer out at rest period, and did some research.  There are very few 'water words' in the Vulcan language.  There is a word for 'river' however.  This puzzled me.  Why no words for ocean, brook, stream - but one for river?  When the Ambassador came by, I asked him about it.  He told me the word actually referred to a dry river bed.  It reminded me of an old story.  A teacher, new to a desert community, asked her students the difference between an ocean and a river.  The children answered that an ocean had water in it.

I really like the Ambassador, and I guess it's too bad - because he's Vulcan and - they don't 'like' or 'love'.  He's too old for me - looks to be in his mid-thirties, but - if he were just a human, my age…sigh… Still it's nice to have someone to talk to, even if he is out of reach.

This is my favorite poem - or one of my favorite poems.

It was written in the late 20th century.

**_Now could I cry sweet tears_ **

**_that_ ** **_in loving me,_ **

**_he_ ** **_hath forgotten my soul._ **

**_Every moment is but duty_ **

**_and_ ** **_every pleasure mere routine_ **

**_He hath known my body'_ **

**_but_ ** **_not my heart._ **

**_0 would to God_ **

**_some_ ** **_sweet satyr could look_ **

**_into_ ** **_my mind_ **

**_and_ ** **_tell me what he sees._ **

**_My kingdom for a man_ **

**_who_ ** **_would know my thoughts_ **

**_And not be afraid._ **

**_Alas but there is not one_ **

**_who_ ** **_would know me thus._ **

****

**_Now could I cry sweet tears_ **

**_and_ ** **_weep my fate_ **

**_Thus shall my womb grow barren_ **

**_and_ ** **_my heart wax cold._ **

**_My tears shall run bitter_ **

**_for_ ** **_there is none that can comfort me_ **

**_nor_ ** **_drink my sour rheum._ **

**_'It is not, nor it cannot come to good._ **

**_But break my heart, for I must hold my tongue.’_ **

**1006.12** :  Today we talked again about the beach.  The kids all brought things they had collected to show me.  'The ocean is big,' Sakar said.  He seemed very impressed.

 

'T'Li got scared,' T'Lin reported.  It was almost as if she were tattling on T'Li.

 

'Baby,' Sakar accused quietly.  A wicked smile threatened to break out on his face. 

 

'I am not a baby!' T'Li exclaimed in Vulcan and she hit Sakar on the arm.

'That's enough,' I ordered. I pulled them apart and sat them down.   'T'Li is correct. She is not a baby for having such feelings.  The ocean is big and it is strange to you all.'

'It is illogical to be afraid,' T'Lin said.  I knew she was parroting what she had been taught.

I told her that was true, but T'Li had yet to learn control.  Heaven knows where that came from! I wonder if these Vulcans are beginning to rub off on me!

When I reported the incident to the Ambassador, he said I had handled it correctly.Perhaps I am beginning to understand Vulcans.

I told my mother about it - how the Ambassador had complimented me - and she said, 'That's good, just don't get too into their ways.  You're a human not a Vulcan.'  Yeah, yeah.  I think she still wants me to quit.

 **1006.13** :  Yuk. It is the weekend.

I should be studying.  The kids have agreed to teach me - or help me learn Vulcan.  What a God-awful language!  Worse than Latin!  Oh, well - at least I can half-way comprehend the grammar.  You'd think their language would be logical, but it isn't.  I mean, not really.  It has its rules and regulations - but it also has its infuriating exceptions.  It is like Latin--it has too many cases and too many inflected endings.

 **1006.16** :  I have not said much about history in here, but the kids enjoy it, too.  They seem to love anything that stimulates them intellectually.  Sometimes it puzzles them - the history - the actions of humans.

'Why would adults behave so?' T'Lin asks often.

I have to explain that Terrans are not ruled by logic.  That usually suffices, but today it brought an avalanche of questions.  I think she mainly wanted to know why humans hadn't 'seen the light', so to speak.  I told her that different planets and different people develop differently.  But I think she was still puzzled as to how people could not all come to the same logical conclusions.

I am doing my own research.  I am studying Vulcan and reading some history.  There is very little known about Vulcan -or Vulcans - and very little available to the general public. I told you they were private.  I have asked T'Lin if I could borrow some of her Vulcan history discs.

 

 

 **1006.18** :  I am in trouble.  Sron, T'Lin's father discovered that I wished to borrow some of T'Lin's discs.  He was - do Vulcans get furious?  He asked me why I wished to borrow them since I could not read Vulcan.  I told him that I was learning Vulcan and that my PADD could translate the discs.  I told him that I merely wished to learn the history of their planet just as he wished his child to learn the history of mine.  'Is it not logical to attempt to satisfy one's thirst for knowledge?' I asked him.  He gave me the discs.  Can Vulcans be grudging?

 **1006.19** :  Something - very strange - happened today.  At rest period, I went out to read as usual - and the Ambassador came by.  He does not come by every day but - when he is at the Embassy, he seems to make a point of it.

'There is a dinner tomorrow night at the Deltan Embassy,' he stated.  'I request that you accompany me.’  It was more like an order than a request, but I was too astonished to point it out to him.  Was he \- the Ambassador - asking me for a date?  Do Vulcans date?

'Are you not engaged?' I asked.  Being around Vulcans makes me talk like them.  My mother says one morning I'm going to wake up with pointed ears.

Sarek stiffened.  'That is my affair,’ he said.

'I beg forgiveness, Ambassador,’ I said, 'but it is against Terran custom to accompany another person to a social function if that person is already, in some way, betrothed.'

Sarek raised an eyebrow.  'I commend your logic,' he said.  'Sron said he thought we were influencing you.  No, I am not - 'engaged'.  Will you accompany me?'

'I shall be honored, Mr. Ambassador.'  I smiled.  I was so excited I was ready to burst!!!  'Vulcans address one another by their first names, Amanda,’ Sarek said. 'Yes, Sarek.’ He left then.  I think I am going to die!

****

**_1006.20:  Dear Sarek:_ **

**_I write to you in here - because it is impossible for me to tell you my true feelings._ ** **_I love you. It is probably just a passing fancy._ **

**_My mother did not want me to go to this dinner with you tonight, but I told her I had_ ** **_already accepted.  She wants me to quit this job.  She thinks I am getting too caught up in all_ ** **_this.  Sarek, am I not my own person?  I told her I was not quitting.  I told her that it_ ** **_would all be over in two more months anyway.  But I know it will not be over - at least, not in_ ** **_my heart._ **

**_AG_ **

**1006.21** :  The dinner was very interesting.  Deltans are very sensuous. Their food is excellent.  They too have to be married to work among humans, or they must take an oath of celibacy. It is due to their – it’s like sex hormones that smell -pheromones.  They drive humans - wild.  I can understand why they have to have those rules to work among us, but Vulcans....  I tried to talk to Sarek about it, but he changed the subject on me.

The moon was full last night.  There is no moon on Vulcan.  'Your moon has an interesting effect on me,' Sarek told me as we left the party. ‘I find myself quite restive when it is full.  Would you like to walk with me back to the Embassy?’   Of course I said yes.  Say no to a moonlit walk with a handsome Vulcan?  I would be crazy to turn it down.

So we walked back to the Embassy.  I could not help but think how romantic it was - except that he did not take my arm or hold my hand - or kiss me....  That is too much to expect.  And then - I got in my car and came home.   (sigh)  He is restive at the full moon.

 **1006.27** :  Friday again.  Nothing much has been going on around here.  I am still teaching.  My mother still wants me to quit.  And - I am still in love - but I suppose it is only a fantastical love - one that shall never be realised.  How could it be?  He is - too different.

 

 

 **1006.30** :  I blew it.  I had the kids write compositions on their families and discovered a curious thing.  T'Li has two older brothers, T'Lin has three older siblings, and Sakar, one.  All the children in each family are spaced about eight years apart.  This is possible - to space children so far apart - because of the Vulcan life span.  And - I suppose such spacing is logical.... I made the mistake of asking Sarek about it however.  I asked him if it was a custom and the reasoning behind it.  ‘It is indeed a custom,' he said.  'And not one to be discussed with outworlders.'  A chill went through me when he said that.  He has never called me an outworlder before.  I am used to it from Sinn - but not from him.  Despite everything, I am not a Vulcan - I cannot be.  And there can be no love between us, no love at all.

****

****

****

**_'Tell me no more of minds embracing minds,_ **

**_And hearts exchanged for hearts.'_ **

****

**_What can I help but dream of thee_ **

**_and sigh at thy remembrance?_ **

****

**_What wert thou truly but a cloud,_ **

**** **_a_ ** **_wisp of fragile fantasy?_ **

****

**_Talk no more of love to me_ **

**_or of the moon's embrace_ **

**_For I am drawn too quickly to thy spell_ **

**_and lost in thy words’ beauty._ **

****

**_Oh, guiling serpent that thou be_ **

**_thy poison is as wine and tasteth sweet._ **

**_In vain do I resist and throw the cup_ **

**_for many times shall I once taste again_ **

**** **_and_ ** **_fully drink it up._ **

****

**1007.01** :  I am having a rest period in the library today.  I cleared it with Sinn - and no one else uses it during this time so I can set the temperature for me.  I do not wish to see Sarek if I can help it - and he will not come looking for me - the library is a logical place.  There I can study.  I told my mom about what had happened.  She said it was a good lesson for me.  It pointed out that we were different, Sarek and I, that such diverse cultures could never blend in a marriage.  I think she was happy about it.  I - am not.

 

 **1007.15** :  Vulcan children are amazing.  They are almost proficient in English now.  I have not seen the Ambassador - when I think of him...I grow sad.

 

 **1007.21** :  Today I was studying and someone called my name.  I looked up.  It was Sarek.  'I beg forgiveness,' he said.  'I did not mean to offend you.’

 

I told him it was all right, that it just jolted me out of silly fantasies.  'I thought I could be - Vulcan - be like a Vulcan,' I told him.  'Your culture is fascinating to me.  But my aspirations are illogical.’

 

'Perhaps not,' Sarek said.  'Perhaps one day you will know Vulcan and what it is to be a Vulcan.'  And then he invited me to another dinner. (!)

**1007.23** :  We are having a picnic today.  I persuaded that stuffed shirt Sinn to let us do it on the grounds - that it would be an 'educational experience’ for the children.  We ate out by the fountain and Sarek joined us.  It is a well-known fact that Vulcans are vegetarians, so there was no meat - but we had plenty - a mixture of Terran and Vulcan foods. We had a very good time.

 

 

 **1007.24** :  There is a formal dinner Friday night - and I have invited Sarek for dinner on Saturday. My mother was not pleased, but I told her Sarek was safe.  I still haven't told her he isn't married or engaged - she would have a stroke or something.  But I have managed to get my mother and sister out of the house for that evening.  Not an easy task.

 

 

 **1007.27** :  It has been - a glorious weekend.  Friday night was an Embassy dinner, diplomats and stuffed shirts with miles of red tape and B.S.  between them.  Sarek, I think, actually enjoyed it. Saturday night was dinner at my house.  I wasn't sure what he liked, but I have seen him eat almost anything - except meat.  We had egg foo yung.  Afterwards, we went out to the patio - my patio has tons of plants on it - and we talked.  I told him it was really nice to talk to him again.  I had missed that.

 

'You will never let anything so trivial come between us again,' Sarek ordered.  (He is so funny when he does that.)  'I did not mean to hurt you.  I sometimes forget that you are not ruled by logic.'  Was that a compliment?

 

And then he opened a small box, and took out - a necklace.  It is a gold chain with a gold pendant that holds a single, small sapphire.  The pendant is shaped strangely, sort of like an ear - or a heart muscle - and the sapphire is onthe outer rim.

 

It is so beautiful! I could not believe he was holding it out - to me!

 

‘This is for you,' he said.

 

'Sarek,' I whispered. 'It is so beautiful. Thank you.'

 

And then he put it around my neck.

 

'Amanda, did you know that Vulcans are touch telepaths?' he asked.

 

I didn't.  He explained that that, too, was a private thing.

 

'You have heard that Vulcans get “engaged”,’ he began.  I nodded.   'It is much more than that.  It is a “bonding”, more than a betrothal, but less than a marriage.  Usually, one is bonded as a child, and after each has felt the other's thoughts - for this initiates the bonding - the male gives the female a token, such as this necklace.'

 

I stared at Sarek.  What was he asking?  What was he saying?  I began to try to take the necklace off, but I was fumbling with the clasp.  Sarek almost looked hurt.

 

‘I have found you to be a very young, yet honorable woman, Amanda,' he began, 'and one worthy of my attention.  Please do not misconstrue my words - or my intent.’

 

I stopped trying to take off the necklace.  Do Vulcans love? Iwondered.  How could it be possible? I am so desperate for love.  How could he know that - even begin to understand it?

 

So I have the necklace.  It is so beautiful.  It is a promise, a hope that love will come to me someday.  I cherish this necklace - my Vulcan heart.

 

 **1007.28** :  My mother has seen the necklace.  She wants to know if _something is 'going on.’   What do I say?  Everything and nothing.  It is all on a level she would not understand.  So I told her we were friends.  She told me not to let my fantasies run away with me.  What fantasies am I creating?  It is true I have loved him in my dreams, but now - are these dreams?_

 

                     ‘ ** _One cannot cross the line.'_**

**** **_That is what they have said,_ **

**_and sometimes they are very right._ **

**** **_But other times I think_ **

**_they just do not know._ **

****

**_It is true I am too innocent_ **

**** **_and_ ** **_gullible._ **

**_I still believe in faery tales_ **

**** **_and_ ** **_Santa Claus._ **

****

**_But belief is God_ **

**** **_and_ ** **_you could say God is a fantasy,_ **

**** **_but_ ** **_you know it is not._ **

**_How then can you call this unreal?_ **

****

Today at rest period, Sarek said, 'T'Lin tells me you are studying the Vulcan language.  May I assist you?’

What was I supposed to say?  'No?' - I am not crazy.  He helped me today.  I am supposed to come to his quarters(!)  Wednesday night for more instruction.  If he were human, I could predict the amount of studying we would actually do.  But as he is not, I cannot.   I will let you know how it comes out.

 

 **1007.29** :  A disaster almost occurred today.  I wore my necklace to work.  I was going down the hall to the classroom when I ran into Sarek.  He took one look at me and pulled me into the meditation room - evidently he had just come from there.   He ordered me to take off the necklace.

'Why?'

'Amanda,' he said, 'you are broadcasting what is still a very private matter between us.'

'You mean everyone here would think that you...and...I...?'

He nodded.  I took off the necklace.  I asked him why he hadn't told me.

'We are so compatible, I often forget that you know nothing of our culture,' he said.  'I shall have to teach you some of our ways and customs.'

Perhaps I am no longer an outworlder.(!)

 

 **1007.30** :  Sarek's tonight!!

 

 **1007.31** :  I got home very late - 0100 last night.  I went to Sarek's at 19:00 and we started talking and when I next glanced at my chrono it was 00:30!  Sarek doesn't have a chronometer in his quarters.  ‘Vulcans have a perfect time sense, Amanda.’  Agghh!!!  How did I get into this?

 

Last night, I went back to the Embassy.  I was escorted by an aide to Sarek's private quarters.  I have never been in this part of the Embassy.  Sarek's quarters are quite large.  There is a bedroom (which I have not seen) and a private bath.  The main room has a computer layout and desk with a couch and some chairs and there is a smaller room with a firepot and pillows.  Incense is burned there.

We sat at the computer console and worked and drank tea.  Sarek tested me on my knowledge of the Vulcan language and proceeded from there.  I really haven't had much practise, since the children always have to practise their English whenever I am with them.

After that, Sarek talked to me of things Vulcan.  He said that although he was neither bonded nor married, the Federation had allowed him this post because of the shortage of Vulcan Ambassadors. 'Vulcans find most of the Federation to be - distasteful.  In many cases, we have had to call in diplomats from other planets to either represent us or settle disputes.  This is suboptimal.  I came voluntarily.  No one could turn that down,' he said.

I mentioned the press. They would gloat over such information - such a breach of the rules.  'I trust you will be discreet,’ he said.

I will.  He told me that several of the female aides were also unbonded.  Insurance, he said.

If my mother knew all this, she would overload.  I am not telling.

 

Sarek told me not to wear the necklace to the Embassy again until he gave me 'orders to the contrary.' (!) (Vulcans sure are bossy.)  'It is definitely a bonding necklace,’ he said.  They have certain characteristics, like wedding rings.  'It would be recognised immediately.  No one would dare say anything, but suspicion would be aroused.  Sinn already believes I spend too much time with you.’

I wasn't sure I understood all this.  What does Sinn care?  Sarek said that they are not supposed to become too involved with ‘outworlders.’. I really hate that word.

I am beginning to think that Vulcans are bigoted or something.  It is not logical, but they seem to look down their noses at anyone who does not have pointed ears - except Sarek.  He has never looked down at me.

 

 **1008.01** :  Study, study, study.

 

 **1008.04** :  The end of the summer is upon us - my job at the Embassy ends soon.  Back to school and back to studying my brains out.  I like tutoring much better.

 

How do I get into these things?  Saturday, Sarek has another diplomatic function.  I am going. Isn't it going to get around that we are 'going out' with each other?  The press is going to catch on soon, and, of course, we have a Wednesday study date....

 

**_My dearest Sarek._ **

**_‘Now could I cry sweet tears.’   My mother suspects us.  I keep telling her we are only friends, but she does not believe me.  She thinks it is wrong...my loving you is wrong. Sarek, how could love be wrong?  I know we are from different cultures, different races....  My mother feels that people from different races cannot love, cannot have a good relationship, but we....  She wants me to break it off with you, to cancel the dates, but I cannot.  I told her it was impossible this week.  She is glad my job is ending.  Sarek, how can I even tell you these things?_ **

 

**_1008.05_ ** _: A poem - attributed to_ _Elizabeth_ _I (1533-1603) of_ _England_ _._

 

**_I grieve and dare not show my discontent,_ **

**_I love and yet am forced to seem to hate,_ **

**_I do yet dare not say I ever meant,_ **

**_I seem stark mute yet inwardly do prate._ **

**_I am and not, I freeze and yet am burned,_ **

**_Since from myself, another self I turned._ **

****

**_My care is like my shadow in the sun,_ **

**_Follows me flying, flies when I pursue it,_ **

**_Stands and lies by me, doth what I have done._ **

**_His too familiar care doth make me rue it,_ **

**_No means I find to rid him from my breast_ **

**_'Til by the end of things it be supprest._ **

****

**_Some gentler passion slide into my mind,_ **

**_For I am soft and made of melting snow;_ **

**_Or be more cruel, love, and so be kind._ **

**_Let me float or sink, be high or low,_ **

**_Or let me live with some more sweet content,_ **

**_Or die, and so forget what love ere meant._ **

****

****

**1008.06** :  I went to Sarek's tonight.  It is late - 0115 - but I cannot sleep.  I told Sarek of my trouble.  I told him my mother did not trust Vulcans - although it makes me ill to think about such things.  We discussed the age difference - I found out he is much older than I thought - he is sixty-four!  He is older than my mother!  He is old enough to be my grandfather!  I began to cry. Sarek had never seen tears before.  Vulcans do not cry.

 

I blurted out to him that I loved him, that I knew it was impossible - there are too many things against it.  'And yet I cannot help myself,' I told him.

 

'Be calm, Amanda,’ he ordered gently - but I could not be so.

 

'I cannot forget my fantasies,' I said.  'I cannot give up my love - even if it is wrong. I was still crying.

 

'Amanda.'  Sarek looked at me, caught my gaze - I felt something - I stopped crying, stopped being so frantic, felt fingers go to my face and then - love washed over me - pure, tender, gentle, beautiful love - and it came from Sarek.  I began to cry again.  Sarek pulled back, perplexed, but the feeling of his presence remained.

 

'I did not think...it was possible,' I whispered.

 

'Amanda, please do not misinterpret what you felt,' he warned.  'I care for you, I honor you.  But I do not - no Vulcan could - love you.'

 

That is his story.  He touched my mind.  I felt his spirit.  I know he does.

 

 **1008.07** :  I wake up - the sun is streaming through my window - I cannot believe it but it is

true ...a Vulcan loves me.(!)

 

Today when I was sitting outside, Sarek came and took me to his quarters.  We talked a while and then he put his hand to my face again.  I have never felt anything like this before.  He is so present. Even now, I feel him.

 

'This is what it is like for Vulcans,' Sarek told me.  I can barely speak when he does this. I am so swept away by the euphoria...but he knows my thoughts.

**_hypnotise_ ** **_._ **

**_and_ ** **_take me away on silvered wings._ **

**_I will fly at a glance._ **

**_hum_ ** **_a tune_ **

**_sing_ ** **_your song_ **

**_and I will follow._ **

**_I long for a oneness that does not here exist,_ **

**_a_ ** **_knowledge_ **

**_a_ ** **_being that Terra does not know._ **

****

**_Terra,_ **

**_the_ ** **_great father of all the planets the tiny being in the third of nine_ ** **_has ne'er felt such a oneness_ **

**_but between God and man_ **

**_and that complete oneness_ **

**** **_was_ ** **_broken—_ **

**_long ago._ **

**_Man has not known it since._ **

**_so_ ** **_take me away_ ** **_and teach_ **

**_I tremble at your touch_ **

**** **_yet_ ** **_lead—_ **

**_and_ ** **_I will follow_ ** **_sing your song_ **

**_and_ ** **_I will dance._ **

**1008.08** :  I am one with him - I feel him at night when I go to sleep.  I snuggle against him in my mind - I smell him - he washes over me when I am driving or walking - I am so happy.   I am so in love.

 **1008.10** : My mother sees the light in my eyes and wishes to kill it - Sarek is too old for me - but he is near my ‘age.’  He is too different - he is a Vulcan and I am deceived if I believe he loves me.  I cannot tell her of my bonding - it is a private thing - and she would be so mad if she knew a Vulcan had touched my mind.  She would think me possessed - her words hurt me - but they cannot be true.   He must love me - I felt it - I am sure of this although it has happened so fast.  Most Vulcans marry for life, Sarek told me.  I do not feel he would desert me - and yet - I am so distressed.(!)

**_Non Credabo_ **

**_tell_ ** **_me that it is not true_ **

**_that it is the workings of my heart_ **

**_the fantastic stirrings of my mind_ **

**_tell_ ** **_me it is my imagination—_ **

**** **_i_ ** **_will not believe._ **

**_tell_ ** **_me that it is a fever of my crazed brain,_ ** **_,_ **

**_i'm  drugged_ **

**_hypnotised,_ **

**** **_i_ ** **_know not what i do_ **

**_tell_ ** **_me tales of loneliness_ **

**_of single entities encased in flesh_ **

****

**_say_ ** **_that union is impossible_ **

**_that it is only a story_ **

**_trumped up by passioned fire_ **

**_say_ ** **_that i am mad_ **

**_i will not believe_ **

**_i_ ** **_will not believe_ **

**_because i know_ **

**_i_ ** **_have touched another's mind_ **

**_known the union and the safety_ **

**_felt the blissful dream_ **

**_tell_ ** **_me i am crazed,_ **

**_living in another world_ **

**** **_feeding_ ** **_on fantasy_ **

**_tell_ ** **_me all—_ **

**_i will not believe_ **

**_nor unstop my ears_ **

**_say_ ** **_that i am being led_ **

**_innocent to evil_ **

**_the lamb to the slaughter_ **

**_ah_ ** **_no._ **

**_devils and faeries both have_ **

**_pointed ears_ **

**_but_ ** **_you will never know—_ **

**** **_perhaps_ ** **_i am mad_ **

**** **_or_ ** **_lost-_ **

**_lost in a bond_ **

**_feelings and warmth_ **

**** **_a_ ** **_safety—_ **

**_tell_ ** **_me tales of human love—_ **

**_how the earthers make their bonds_ **

**_and propagate_ **

**_how_ ** **_they know not love from lust_ **

**_how_ ** **_they cannot taste oneness_ **

**_because they do not know themselves_ **

**_that_ ** **_i will believe_ **

**_but_ ** **_say that i am wrong_ **

**_that instinct lies_ **

**_and i will turn away_ **

**_tell_ ** **_me he is cold_ **

**_that he cannot love_ **

**_cannot know_ **

**_that we are too different_ **

**_tell_ ** **_me that i do not love him—_ **

**** **_i_ ** **_will not believe_ **

(Prt 3)1008.11:  What a day! I had the day off from tutoring - I had to go to the University to check my classes for next quarter and to pay my fees and get my PADDs downloaded.

Then I had to go see Sam, my supervisor - remember him?  He said he had received good reports from Sinn regarding my work (I almost fell out of my chair).  Sam did say, however, that Sinn suspected I was 'fraternising too much with other Vulcans who were not my pupils.’   Sam asked me with whom I was fraternising.  I said it was a private matter.  Sam said, 'Don't go Vulcan on me, Grayson.  What's going on over there?  If it's going to cause an inter-galactic scandal, I need to know about it.'

 

'It will raise some eyebrows,' I admitted, 'But it is still a private affair and, in a few weeks, you won't have to worry about it.'

Sam was displeased.  He warned me that it would 'be my ass' if anything happened.  Then he gave me my assignment for the fall semester.

FES school starts at the end of this month.  I could not believe what I got.  I got the 'behaviour' class. And I don't have them for just two subjects.  I have to supervise alltheir classes!  I was outraged.  I was sure Sam was retaliating.  He denied it, said it was my turn, but I don't believe it.  I teach languages and history to advanced students.  Why am I stuck with the scum of the galaxy?  Half the class is Tellerite.  Help.  It will only be one semester - hopefully.

1008.12:  My mother is on the rampage again.  Sarek called last night. My mother wants to know what is going on.  What am I supposed to say?  I have joined minds with a Vulcan?  I 'sleep' with him every night in my mind?  I can smell him, feel him with me constantly?  She would overload and blow up and the whole area of Northern California would be quarantined for one hundred solar years.  I tell her we are friends.  She tells me he is older and should 'know better'. Then she wants to know what is wrong with him that he should be interested in me.  My God - am I that undesirable?!  But I love him - I cannot give him up.  I cannot.

At break today - something astounding happened.

It is very late - I find I stay up until Sarek retires, and he tends to do that around 00:00.  So I write....

Today at break, Sarek took me into the meditation room.  This time I really saw it.  It is beautiful and is filled with incense and oil lamps.  There is an altar with a large firepot and on one wall there is a metallic mosaic with some type of symbol.  It is a circle with a smaller circle inside, and a triangle intersecting them both.  I do not know what it means.  And there was no time to ask.

The room is also filled with pillows.  We sat down on two which Sarek placed near the altar.  He meditated for a moment and then turned to me.

'We must talk seriously,' he said.  'I feel you with me constantly. Do you wish to continue this bond?'

I could not believe he was asking me such a thing.  I told him that my mother did not approve of what I was doing.  This is very hard on me.   'But I love you, Sarek,' I told him.  'I am one with you.  No one else can give me that.  I cannot break this off.'

'Very well,' he said.  Then fingers went to face again and we melded - deeper than ever before.  I felt him, felt the utter core of him and he me.  At the base of his being he is - was -lonely - until me.  He needs my love as desperately as I need his, although he would never admit it.  His emotions have been sublimated and yet he is still vulnerable.  And he found me -his Innocent - his Amanda.  He sensed the meld was a lot for me, the whirl of it all...can be... chaotic.  He never fully separated from me.  He never will, but after the deep meld diminished, we sat, fingers in communion with one another and I felt his love as I did that first night.

'My Amanda,' he said softly. 'Has anyone ever made beautiful love to you?'

I was surprised at his words.  I don't know how humans think Vulcans propagate, but surely it cannot be from passion.  I told him no.   'No one has loved me as you do, Sarek.'  He did not protest my use of the word 'love' as he usually does.

'It will not be an easy path for us, t’hy'la,' he said.  'Many will be against us.  If you wish to back out at any time, I will understand.'

But I have gone too far.  I am one with Sarek, whom I love.  It cannot be undone.  I cannot do it.

 **1008.14** :

**_divorce_ ** **_is simple_ **

**_in Vulcan terms—_ **

**_you_ ** **_go your way—_ **

**_I'll go mine_ ** **_and the knot is undone_ **

**_but_ ** **_i don't think i could stand it._ **

This is my last week at the Embassy.  My mother thinks after this, it will be the end - but I know it is not.

 **1008.19** :

**_Sarek loves Amanda—?_ **

**_how_ ** **_can this be?_ **

****

**_how_ ** **_can such a creature have such a deep emotion and how can he direct it at one such as I?_ **

**_hasn't_ ** **_anyone taught him_ **

**_about racism?_ **

**_or_ ** **_that he should stay with_ **

**_his 'own kind’?_ **

**_i_ ** **_know that before he was lonely,   that isn't logical either._ **

**_i_ ** **_don't understand anymore._ **

**_there is no logic in this_ **

**_there is no logic in anything_ **

**_i_ ** **_love him!_ **

**_is_ ** **_that so terrible?_ **

**_but_ ** **_WHY does he love me?_ **

**1008.20** :  **_‘0 my dear parents, forgive me!.... I shall never be able to think of anybody in the world but him.  Presumption! you will say; and so it is.  But love is not a voluntary thing.  Love, did I say?  But come, I hope not...  For I know not how it came, nor when it began,  but crept, crept it has, like a thief upon me; and before I knew what was the matter, it looked like love.’_**

**** **_ Pamela _ ** **_, Samuel Richards_ **

We study at night, but at rest period - we love.  He touches my mind...his fingers - there is electricity in them.  He shows me, teaches me how to do it - he tells me of things Vulcan.  It is our last week together.  After this - we will be able to see each other only once or twice a week.

 **1008.25** : First day of school - GROSS.  I have FES from 0800 to 1AOO. Grad school not start until next month.  When it does, I am going to be so busy.

Oh, delinquent class - what fun! All the world's behaviour problems in one place.  I have fifteen students, ages 6-12.  As I knew, 1/3 of them are Tellarites.  Tellarites just have no discipline - they cause more fights.  And I have 1/3 Andorian - they fight with the Tellarites.  The remaining five: two Terrans, one Deltan (a surprise), a Rigellian, and two Denebians.  With some of them, it is just language barriers.  The Deltan worries me though.  She is seven and seems totally unresponsive to what is going on.

Sarek called. I can wear the necklace now.  I can even wear it to the Embassy. Yippee!

 **1008.27** :  I am going to Sarek's to study.  My mother was amazed - wants to know how much studying we actually do - two to three hours.  Sarek is a Vulcan.  He makes me work and I told her it would not hurt for me to know another language.  She asked me where I was going to use it. What could I say?

 **1008.28** : It is the Vulcans' turn to have the obligatory diplomatic dinner - next Friday.  This Friday, dinner at the Andorian Embassy.  I will wear my Vulcan heart.

 **1008.29** :  Hmm - I had a good time despite all.  Sinn came with his wife, along with Sarek's top aide, S'ron (T'Lin's father) and his wife.  They all raised silent eyebrows when they saw my bonding necklace, but as Sarek once assured me - they said nothing.  According to logic and Vulcan customs it is a private matter and none of their business.

 

We walked home tonight.  Sarek invited me to his quarters and I accepted.  Our fingers touched.  I feel so close - so one with him - how could I ever give him up?

 **1008.30** :  I feel - so married.  Here I am doing lesson plans (groan).  I am still worried about my Deltan, Leehaj.  I do not think she knows English and I know absolutely zero Deltan -well, I can count to three, but that is not going to help.

How much longer?  We have that dinner on Friday.  And I have 'Vulcan Indoctrination' (hee) on Wednesday. (hee)  I call it that because Sarek teaches me of things Vulcan as well as the language. God, I miss him.

 **1009.01** : I wake up beside - my husband - for he is as much my husband to me now as he shall ever be.  feel his gentle inundations and I can send thoughts of love to him.  He will receive them. Despite all the flack I get it is worth it for me.  Without it - I would no longer be among the living.

**_Sarek's Prayer_ **

**_Amanda, Amanda_ **

**_my_ ** **_beautiful, sweet child— would I could keep thee from the world, lock thee away and keep thee safe hold thee tight and never let thee go._ **

**_thou_ ** **_seem'st so fragile--_ **

**_thou_ ** **_wert like to break at the mere whisper_ **

**_of_ ** **_a gentle breeze_ ** **_and so I would hold you to keep thee from it_ **

**_I long to show you many things— yet under my protection_ **

**_with_ ** **_the strong grip of my wrist_ ** **_to thine_ **

**_Were you to break my bonds_ **

**_still_ ** **_I could not let thee go_ ** **_but hold thee safe in a corner of my mind_ **

**_Amanda, Amanda_ **

**_my_ ** **_sweet child_ ** **_that art so fragile_ **

**_and_ ** **_yet so strong let me love thee without fear and teach thee_ **

**_without_ ** **_pain_ **

**_trust_ ** **_me my innocent_ **

**_let_ ** **_thy aura merge with mine—_ **

**_then_ ** **_nothing can take us apart._ **

The words just came to me this morning - whether or not they are truly Sarek's - I do not know - but they are beautiful

 **1009.04** :  Last night we studied.  School for me starts soon.  Sarek seemed a little sad - if that is possible for a Vulcan - but he wouldn't tell me what it was about, nor could I discover it when we joined minds later.  That door was apparently closed to me.

He gave me a present though.  He said, 'I know that many Terran women mutilate their ears by piercing them in order to wear jewellery.  I see that you are one of them.’  And then he held out his hand.  In it was a type of earring - an ear cuff and a post connected by delicate chains.

'The women on Vulcan once did as you do,' he explained, 'but the custom has gone out of fashion.  This belonged to my grandmother.  It is several centuries old.’

He took me to the mirror and watched me put it on.  It was indeed very old, and it made me feel 'owned', like I belonged to Sarek.  When I told him this, he raised an eyebrow, but said nothing about it.

 

'This, too, is not to be worn until the proper time,' he said, side-stepping my remarks.  I took it off and we continued to study.

 **1009.05** :  What a day!  The Tellarites and Andorians had a fight on the playground and Thlan (worse language than Vulcan!) dislocated one of his antennae.  It didn't hurt him too much, but it really threw him off.  He couldn't hear well and had no depth perception.  The nurse fixed it and she showed me how to correct the problem in the future.  Rash, (that's really his name, although it's pronounced a little differently in Tellarite), the one who caused the fight, spent the rest of the day at the Isolated Computer.  Then I had to go to the Embassy to prepare for tonight's dinner.  Sarek had told me I had to come early.

Today, I saw his bedroom.  He has a large bed - the room is dark but cozy.  He has a small firepot and an incense burner and - a harp.  He told me to bathe and showed me what to wear.  After I dressed, he put my bonding necklace around my neck and told me to sit down.  He began to brush and comb my hair.

'I am giving this dinner tonight,' he stated.  'You will be my hostess.  Act graciously and if you are unsure about what to say upon a political matter, say nothing at all.  Most of the diplomats do not wish to discuss work at a social occasion, but the Tellerite delegation probably will, simply because they will be looking for conflict.’

I told him about Rash and Thlan.  I hoped it would not turn into a diplomatic incident.  All this while, he was brushing my hair, twisting it, and braiding it.

'Your hair is much softer, much finer, than that of Vulcan women,' he said.

I felt a tingle go through my scalp to the back of my neck.  His two fingers stroked my face.  He was admiring my beauty, sending love to me.  I still cannot believe he loves me.

When Sarek finished, I looked about as Vulcan as I could be without having my ears pointed.  My hair was done, braided with pearls and ribbons.  Sarek told me to ignore any looks I might get from the other Vulcans.  'I have chosen you,' he said. 'They can do nothing.’

I was nervous, but I did all right.  Most of the diplomats accepted me graciously.  Some had seen me before.  Some thought I was a student, studying the Vulcan Way.  In a way, I guess I am.  I was proud of myself that I could do it.

Sarek told me I did well, but Sinn - he was angry, if that is possible for a Vulcan.  His wife or someone else should have been hostess.  He does not recognise me as being Sarek’s bondmate.  I am still just a teacher to him.

 **1009.06** :   It isn't logical - but I miss Sarek on the weekends.

 **1009.07** :  It is five o'clock in the morning and I wake up - shaking.  I had a most startling dream….

I dreamt I was bonded to some girl - I think I was male in this dream - and the girl died.  She was a Vulcan, but she died for some reason.  Oh, the agony I felt!  I wanted to follow her into death - I did not want to live - but they - there were - healers - all around me - they said - they kept thinking I was being illogical - they would not let me die - would not-- I woke up, tears streaming down my face.

I must ask/tell Sarek about this dream.

I am not supposed to do this - but I am - his wife? - I am something to him.  School will be over soon - it is almost 14:00 - then I have work to do - at 17:30 I will go to the Embassy.  There is a 'sunset' (t'ri kah n'iin) meditation - Sarek - I believe is usually there - I musttell him about the dream.  The conviction to do so grows stronger and stronger in me - and I can barely contain myself.

 

I went to tri' kah n'iin - to the large meditation room.  Sarek was already there - with others - meditating.  I knew I would get it if I disturbed them, so I sat on a pillow in the back and tried to remember what Sarek has taught me - I'm lousy at meditating - I can do it and Sarek says I have great telepathic ability - but I am a little afraid.

Anyway - meditations can last forever, but I noticed there were several children present.  They are not required to meditate for ages - T'Li got up first and quietly knelt before the firepot and then left.  Sakar came next, followed by T'Lin and others in succession.  Finally, Sarek rose.  When he turned and saw me, his eyebrow flew up - as if in shock.  He motioned for me to come with him, and we went to his rooms.

He told me he had felt me - but had not understood it - because I am not usually at t'ri kah n'iin.  I told him why I had come.  I told him about the dream.  His eyes got very moist.

'Amanda...,' he began, but he stopped and put my hand to his face.  It was true.  My dream was true - it was Sarek.  He has been bonded before - when he was a child - but his - bondmate died 3.27 years ago. It was then that he gave up his physics career and became an Ambassador.  That is why he was not bonded when we met.  I do not know why he hadn't married her - I didn't ask.

'As you remember from your dream,' Sarek said, 'I acted illogically at T'Sri's death.  Vulcans view death as a passage.  They mourn - and then it is done.  We believe the soul continues and goes on to other lives.  In a bonding, one feels the other and when one dies, the other releases that person - or they, too, will follow into death.'  Sarek turned away from me.  'I wished to follow T'Sri.  As you know, I was not allowed to do so.  And the healers realised--emotion was involved.  They did not publicise this fact.  But I had shamed myself and Vulcan.  I had to leave.'

And I felt that time - and the time before I came.  How lonely - how desperate he, too, was.  Now I know why he chose me - I am an emotional human.  He will never seem too emotional for me.  I will never be embarrassed by him. I will not berate him. He will always be safe with me. And I love him.

 **1009.15** :  I have been so busy. I have been planning and studying and today was the first day of school for me.  I have an independent language seminar and intergalactic political history. Intergal pol is so complex - and, of course, I have decided to study Vulcan for my language seminar.  Sarek is allowed to be my instructor.  I have already gotten it approved.

I called Sarek to inform him of this.  He seemed so sad - I know it is illogical, but this sadness has been with us for weeks.  I do not understand it and he will not talk about it.  Anyway, he has to go to D.C. this week.  He said he would be back Friday night.  'I will take you to dinner when I return,' he said.   'Then we will talk.’

What is on his mind I hate that he will not tell me.  I shall have to wait.

 **1009.17** :  Work, work, work.  It is a wonder I have time to write in here.  I miss Sarek - I miss our 'tutoring' sessions and I have assignments he has left me.  But still I can feel him and I feel - sadness - a mourning I do not understand.

 **1009.19** :  Oh, help.

Sarek picked me up at home tonight - met my mother.  And then we went out to eat.  The moon was full. We went to Golden Gate Park and walked around.  We sat down.  Sarek looked at me.  He told me he had wished to keep this news until after I had started school.

 

'I have been transferred,’ he said. 'To Altair VI.’

 

'When?’  I asked.

 

'At the end of the year, I must leave,’ Sarek told me.

 

My first reaction was anger.  If he knew, why did he get involved with me?

'I did not know until recently,’ Sarek said, reading my thoughts.  'I suspect it is a political maneuver.  Sinn has great influence with the Council.’

I was glad it was dark.  I was falling apart.  I looked up at the moon, but it was a blur.  Tears ran down my face.

'Amanda,' Sarek said softly, 'Let us go home.’

 

We went to his quarters.  I cried. 'It's not your fault, I know.'  I bit my lip.  And then I asked him timidly, 'Is there grad school on Altair VI?’

Sarek almost smiled.  'I believe so,' he said.

 **1009.20** :  I did not sleep well.  Sarek did not either, I think.  He woke at 05:00.  I have decided to pretend I am going with him because I cannot stand to contemplate the alternative.  However, soon, I must tell my mother.  I do not think this is going to go over well.

 **1009.22** : Today I got info on what was available on Altair VI.  It is not like here.  Altair VI is - well - a spot in the sky, but they do have universities, etc.  I also put in for a transfer at the FES.  I do not know what will follow.

 **1009.23** : ** _will you go with this man?_**

**_they asked,_ **

**_i_ ** **_answered,_ **

**_i do not know._ **

**1009.24** :  I found it hard to concentrate tonight, but Sarek pushed me.  Later, only after I had read out loud to him and translated an English poem into Vulcan - not an easy task - two different cultures - did he allow me to seek solace in the joining of our minds.

He enveloped me - soothed me.  'I have found that humans seem to need their adversity,' he said quietly.  We were lying against pillows in the alcove.  This is the only time he allows his barriers to drop and the only time he seems physically close.  His two fingers often stroke my face.  Our energies combine.  But he has made it quite clear that it is only for these times and not in public.

'Your pain will give you strength if you allow it, Amanda,' he said.  'At the proper time, I will teach you how to rid yourself of it, when it is no longer of any use.’

I fell asleep in his arms.  He was so calming and so gentle.  He makes me weep.

 **1009.25** :  There is an old phrase, 'Temple of Doom.’   That was today.  After grad school, I had to go see Sam.  He wanted to know about my transfer to Altair.

 

'Why in the hell do you want to go there?’ he asked.

 

I got very Vulcan. ‘'There is a position there, is there not?’  I asked.

 

'Yes, but that place is a spot in the sky,' he said.   'Podunk Station.’

'The amount of traffic to Altair VI does not concern me,' I said.  'Whether or not you will transfer me does.'

He stared at me.  And then he turned to his computer.  In a minute he was back, looking at me.   'I should have guessed,' he said.  'What do you think you're doing?  Are you following the Vulcan Ambassador to Altair?'

'What does it matter?' I asked coolly.

'It matters a great deal,' Sam practically shouted at me.  'You do this and the press will lap it up. We don't need that type of publicity and the Vulcans will practically squirm at such an invasion of their precious privacy.’   He said he would not okay my transfer.  I said I was going anyway.

'As what?’ he asked.

'As Ambassador Sarek's wife!’ I exclaimed and left.

I cannot believe that such prejudice exists today, in our time. I mean this is 2210 - give me a break!!

 

 **1009.26** : This morning, my mother told me she had heard that Sarek was going to Altair.  She said it would be a 'good experience' for him.  I reminded her that Sarek was older than she (by about fifteen years or so) and he was not a child.  I did not tell her I was planning to go.

**1009.28: _My dearest Sarek:_**

**_You_ ** **_must feel my pain - it is so intense.  I am ashamed of it and yet I cannot control it.  It was in the news tapes and tabloids that I have applied for a transfer.  My mother was furious_ ** **_that I had not told her.  We had a fight.  I told her I was going to tell her.  I told her I_ ** **_was going and she said if I went it would be a mistake - that to love you is impossible and_ ** **_that you do not love me.   How can this be true, marite, when I have felt your love?  I told _ ** **_her I wanted to marry you.  She told me if I did that, such a marriage would fail - our_ ** **_backgrounds are so diverse.  She said - it is unnatural \- unnatural for me to love you.  Sarek, _ ** **_loving you has been the most natural, human thing I have ever done.  She said if I went to_ ** **_Altair - if I married you - I could forget about my family - they would have nothing more to_ ** **_do with me.  My sister will not even speak to me.  How can I choose Sarek?  And why do I have to _ ** **_choose?_ **

 

**_A Vulcan_ **

**_and a human_ **

**_cannot_ ** **_love—_ **

**_they say—_ **

**_because_ ** **_one is one species_ **

**_and_ ** **_one is another_ **

**_that_ ** **_is interspecies love--_ **

**_all right for animals—_ **

**_but_ ** **_not for humanoids_ **

**_races_ ** **_cannot interbreed_ **

**_how old is this taboo?_ **

**_old_ ** **_—as far back as racial memory can go._ **

**_so my senses—_ **

**_my brain_ **

**** **_tell_ ** **_me that to love the Vulcan_ **

**_is wrong--_ **

**_while_ ** **_my heart says otherwise._ **

****

**_o_ ** **_why could not our love have been the same?_ **

**_where are the walls_ **

**_that hold us back?_ **

**_where is the ice—_ **

**_the line over which we dare not step—_ ** **_the something which keeps us_ **

**_to ourselves—_ **

**_never fully giving?_ **

**_where are the restraints? perhaps we should have made some_ **

**_we did not—_ **

**_now it is too late—_ **

**_and_ ** **_now we will either make or break—_ **

**_sink or swim,_ **

**_only_ ** **_God knows_ **

**_which way the pendulum_ **

**** **_swings_ ** **_._ **

**1009.29** :  My mother has forbidden me to see Sarek.  I told her I am leaving anyway.  She told me I could leave now.  I backed down.  It is too hard, too difficile.  But I will not obey her.  I cannot.

 **1009.30** :  'flow my tears....'

I went to see Sarek - and could not find him - left a message.

Sarek called me at 23:00.  He has been very busy today.  We talked.  I told him what had happened.  He seemed sad - again the sadness.  'It is regrettable,' he said.  'And illogical.  We are compatible.  There is no logical reason for us to be apart.  And yet to estrange one's self from one's family is very difficult.  Perhaps it is too high a price to pay.'  He told me it was my decision.  He would support whatever I chose - even if I chose to leave him.  He is able to accept what comes.  He must be very wise.

 **1010.01** :  There are forty-four years between us.  Many years, and yet - it does not seem so when we are together.

 

 **1010.03** :  It is 04:00 in the morning - I cannot sleep.  I write these words--

 

**_I wanted to see you grow my child_ **

**_to see you thrive_ **

**_in the light of my love_ **

**_to see you blossom_ **

**_in the warmth of the spring._ **

**_but_ ** **_now I fear_ **

**_it is not to be—_ **

**_I wanted to hold you in the night_ **

**_caress your hair in the darkness_ **

**_feel the great comfort of your warmth_ **

**_now_ ** **_I fear it is not to be—_ **

****

**_I wanted to guide you_ **

**_to love you_ **

**_to fully know you_ **

**_as_ ** **_you would fully know_ **

**_and love me_ **

****

**_but_ ** **_what is this ice between us?_ **

**_and what is this salt on my face?_ **

**_can_ ** **_Vulcan tears melt_ **

**_the hard hearts of Terra?_ **

**_my_ ** **_young beautiful wife_ **

**_what_ ** **_have I done?_ **

**_what_ ** **_treacherous path have I_ **

**_lead you down?_ **

**_can_ ** **_you even know the way back?_ **

****

**_just_ ** **_this once_ **

**_I paid no heed to logic_ **

**_I saw_ **

**_I loved_ **

**_I pitied_ **

**_and_ ** **_I felt_ **

****

**_I let my emotion guide me_ **

**_damn all the humans_ **

**_whose glands control their thoughts!_ **

**_I would take my bride from them all—_ **

**_yet—she has a life too—_ **

**_I must let her make her choices for herself_ **

**_even though I dare not._ **

**_a_ ** **_Vulcan_ **

**_and a human_ **

**_cannot love_ **

****

and yet we do.... But other things go on.  Leehaj is being transferred - her parents may have to return to their home planet to get the help Leehaj needs.  I do not know exactly what is wrong - but something is....

**1010.04** :  This home - is now a hell to me.  There is no peace.  My sister will not speak to me.  My mother berates me.  I am so torn, so confused.  I have only known Sarek a few months, and yet I am forced to make this awful life-changing decision.  I cannot let him go.  I know he would release me - all I need do is say the word.  I cannot.  This, this torment I am in cannot continue.  I must find peace, but my mother says I will not find peace until I cut this off.  If I cut this off I shall never be at peace.  I feel as though I am standing at a fork in the road.  One path is Life and the other is Death.  

 **1010.05** :  I cannot live here anymore.

**_I cannot live with you_ **

**_It would be Life—_ **

**_And Life is over there—_ **

**_Upon the Shelf_ **

**** **_E. Dickinson_ **

Life is with Sarek.  How can I deny that?  I am leaving my house - I cannot stay here any longer.  I do not care now - I cannot let my Vulcan go - I cherish our bond too much.  No human could give me what he does.  I am sorry my mother - sorry that you do not understand, but I cannot give him up.

Here I sit, in – Sarek’s quarters - my books and my plants surround me.  Sarek is out on business.  I feel so alone.  I will probably never see my family - my human family - again.  And I do not know if Sarek's people will accept me either.

 

 **1010.06:**   It is morning and my tears have dried.  I wake up next to my love - strong and handsome - I am sad, and yet he takes that sadness away.  I hope I have done the right thing. If he does not want me - then - I shall probably be stranded.

 **1010.07:**   This is a partial heaven to me.  Sarek and I are doing well, although we have shocked the Vulcans.  Sinn raises a brow every time I pass, every time he sees us touch two-on-two.  He thought to stop it - to thwart our love by arranging Sarek's transfer.  Instead, he sped up the inevitable conclusion for us.

'I need to find quarters for you,' Sarek said today.   Apparently it is not 'kosher' for us to live together, even though there has been no sex involved.

I told him we needed to be married before we left for Altair.

 

'I love you,' I told him.  'But I will not go with you without someform of commitment.'

Sarek looked puzzled.  'Amanda, we are bonded.  Is that not commitment enough?'

 

I told him it was not.  I would even have a Vulcan ceremony.  I am willing to do that.

 

But he said no.   'Impossible,' he said.

 

When I asked why, he said, 'It is not yet time.'

 

'I don't understand,' I said.  'When will it be time?'

 

'It cannot be discussed with out....'  He caught himself, but it was too late.

'If I am still an 'outworlder' to you, then perhaps our marriage would be a sham,’ I said.  He said nothing.  He looked sad and said he had to go meditate.  I am wondering if I have made a mistake. But I don't think so.  It's just that Sarek can be so damn - WEIRD sometimes.

 

 

 **1010.08** :  Yesterday, after dinner, Sarek came and talked to me.

'We will be married,' he said.   'A Terran ceremony, I think.  The Vulcan one will come later - at the appropriate time.'  I thanked him for this - but discussing it seemed exceedingly hard for him.  He also told me that I would stay with him.

'T'Ree (Sinn's wife) will be coming to talk to you tomorrow,’ Sarek told me.  'I have asked her to.  It is her duty since you do not have a Vulcan mother.'  I teased Sarek about the 'birds and the bees' talk, but he did not understand and almost seemed hurt.

 

'I am certain she will try to dissuade you,' he said.  'That is why you will remain in my quarters. They cannot keep you from me, if you are here.'

Vulcans.  The more I know them, the less I understand them.

*****

 **1010.09** :  T'Ree came to me today as Sarek said she would.  She was very condescending, as most Vulcans are toward me.

She told me Sarek had sent her - that it was time for me to know the truth.  'It is a thing no outworlder may know,' she said.  Dare I write it here?

 

It is late – 23:00.  Sarek is at some diplomatic thing.  I am still thinking about what T'Ree told me.  I shall whisper it to you.  It is a very private thing - a thing no outworlder may know.  It strips their minds from them, robs them of logic until they are only passion and lust.  It is the pon farr \- the time of mating.  It occurs in Vulcan males approximately every seven years and the cycle lasts from ten to fourteen days.  This accounts for the children being spaced the way they are.

I asked T'Ree if males were capable of sex outside this cycle.  She looked at me the way Sinn does - like I am an outworlder, and then she told me it was possible, but it didn't happen very often.  She knows humans.  In a Vulcan's eyes, it probably seems like all we do and think about is sex. She hoped to dissuade me by these facts – to give Sarek up.  I shall have to talk to him.  Vulcans hate this subject apparently.  But we will have to talk about it.

1010.10: It was 01:00 when Sarek came in last night. He woke me up, told me he had 'missed' me. When I pointed out this was illogical, he admitted to it and his two fingers stroked my face,

//I know what is on your mind, t'hy'la.// I felt his thoughts surround me. //This is not easy for me. It is not easy for any of us. But I cannot consign you totally to the life of a Vulcan female.//

I felt his mind - I can never resist him when he does this. But this time - it was different. Our hands touched. Sarek guided me. Fingers stroked. He did not know what a kiss was. I taught him. My passions - grew. My desire - grew. He took guides from my mind. I from his. I was afraid, but I continued.

//I do not wish to hurt you,// Sarek thought.

//You are in control,// I assured him. //Even raised to this height - you are still in control. Sex can be fun. I have heard so.//

 

He laughed! actually laughed in my mind.

 

//Amanda, you are-- so beautiful.//

 

We made love.  The human and the Vulcan—we made love.

 

**1010.11** :  I have bee here almost a week.  Today I called my mother.  She took the call.  Asked me had ‘the Vulcan’ touched my mind?  Did he ‘have my soul?’  Had he had sexual intercourse with me?  How can you hedge such inquiries?  I answered her truthfully.  Some Terrans believe Vulcans can ‘possess’ you because they do not understand telepathy. She grew irritated.  She had asked—had she really wanted to know?  She said, ‘Then you pushed for it.  You wanted it.’

 

I agreed.  Our conversation was the terminated.  I heave a feeling it was our last.

 

T’Ree is ‘indoctrinating’ me—so to speak.  She told me I would know the pon farr by the dreams I had.  ‘If you are telepathically bonded to him,’ she said, ‘you will have strange dreams of fire and uncontrollable passions.  You will know.’  And she said that Sarek would grow increasingly nervous and irritable.  It is hard for me to imagine him being that way—he is so calm and logical.  At that time, the Vulcan ceremony will occur.  (The Federation one will be next month.)

 

Anyway, T'Ree asked if I had any questions, so I asked about that Martian rape incident.  She raised an eyebrow.  Well - she asked.  She was frank with me, although it is a difficult subject.  That Vulcan had been in pon farr.  He had not been bonded and had ignored his condition until he was past the point of rational thought and resistance.

'No Vulcan male has ever lived who has not thought he would be spared,’ T'Ree told me.  'It is a time of horror for us, of life and death and it is shrouded in ancient rituals and traditions. '

She could not tell me I would survive this time.  'I must be truthful,' she said.  'That Terran woman died.  A Vulcan female has strength equal to her mate.  She can go for several days without food or sleep.  Humans do not have this capacity.  Ultimately, it is your decision.’

I was astounded.  'But you have said his life is in my hands,' I said.  'If I refuse in order to save my life....'

‘Then he will die, 'T'Ree said.   'If you refuse now, your bond can be undone and he will be able to find another.  Both your lives will be saved.’

These are facts.  But I still get the feeling T'Ree does not wish us together.

 **1010.12** :  Sarek and I talked.  I told him what T'Ree had said.  He said it was hard to speculate since the only recorded example of a Terran/Vulcan union was a rape which ended in death.  'It has been said that the bond continues, even through the madness, and that it can be felt,' Sarek said. 'It is thought that the bond keeps the female from fatal injury.  But it is only theory.  It must be your decision.’

Why do I - why must I make such decisions?

 **1010.13** : I went to Sinn today for I did not feel I could go to my own physician.  He pronounced me healthy – ‘for a human'.  I asked him what he thought.

'There are no precedents,' he said.  I could tell he was irritated by the lack of information, and also by his own inability to lie.  'But there is a risk.'

A risk.  That is all anyone can say.  I have thought about it and I have decided to take that risk. Without him I did not have life, it was existence.  Now I love and I am happy.  A few months or a year of that happiness - for Sinn feels that Sarek's pon farr will come soon - is certainly more desirable than years of mere existence.

 **1010.14** :   Last night, I told Sarek I was going to stay with him.  I think he was pleased.Tonight, we went to order wedding rings.  (!!)   Sarek said he would comply with some 'Terran traditions'.   What a laugh! It is I who more conform to him and Vulcan.   He only has to put

up with my irrational human emotions.  I suppose that is enough.

 **1010.25** :  News of our impending marriage has broken out.  The press is having a field day.  The Vulcans are grim.  They 'no comment’ all over the place.  Basically, the Vulcan Ambassador 'issued a statement' because of all the gossip and hoopla.  It has even leaked out that I am estranged from my family.  My mother has been interviewed.  I have declined by Sarek's request.

Oh - and the FES did okay my transfer.   With all this publicity - how could Sam do other- wise?  What a mess!  But how Glorious—

**_‘to have my love thither_ **

**_and back again!'_ **

**_(The following entry is from a newsfeed._ ** **_It was printed out and placed in_ ** **_the original manuscript.)_ **

**1011.17** : 

**Today in a short civil ceremony, AMBASSADOR SAREK OF VULCAN, 64, was wedded to AMANDA GRAYSON, 20.  After the ceremony, the Ambassador and Ms. Grayson met briefly with reporters to issue statements and answer a few questions.**

**Ms. Grayson, who has previously avoided the press, joked that she and the A** **mbassador hoped to improve relations between Vulcans and Terrans.  'We wish to set an example, and to prove to the galaxy that humans and Vulcans can be compatible and can work together.'**

**The Ambassador, who has consistently denied any feelings of love toward Ms. Grayson, nonetheless seemed to show great affection for her.  When asked why he married her, he replied that it had seemed 'the logical thing to do.’**

**The interracial marriage is the first of its kind in recorded galactic history.**

**1012.16** : We have been married almost a month.  It has been wonderful and sad.  Everything is packed.  I had to go back home and pack the rest of my clothes.  My mother begged me to stay.  I told her I could not.  ('He has my soul.')  I am leaving - leaving my family and my home -all that I know to go to 'a land which he will show me’: Altair VI (bleh).  But it can't be so terrible with my husband beside me. I love him.  We are one.

We are on a shuttle now. It will rendezvous with a liner going to the Altair system.  Sarek's position begins in about two weeks - so does mine.

Goodbye my home.  Hello new home, new love, new life.

**_Impossibilis_ **

**_they_ ** **_said_ **

**_it was impossible_ **

**_that_ ** **_he could no more love me_ **

**_than a stone_ **

**_he was green marble,_ ** **_they said—desert ice._ **

**_'Vulcans do not love,'_ **

**_they said._ **

**_'They merely copulate._ **

**_It is only biological_ **

**_function to them.'_ **

**_I wondered how they knew._ **

**_How do humans know the Vulcan heart?_ **

**_'You cannot love him,' they said._ **

**_'He isn't human - he can't_ **

**_possibly understand you.'_ ** **_But they_ **

**_did not listen to his words_ **

**_nor feel the deep trust_ ** **_in his mind_ **

****

**_were_ ** **_I to speak a thousand years,_ **

**_expounding every detail_ **

**_still_ ** **_, they would never understand_ **

**_but say that I am crazed._ **

**_even_ ** **_if I could show them_ **

**** **_they_ ** **_would not believe._ **

**_but_ ** **_I know._ **

**_I know his mind_ **

**_and his love._ **

**** **_I know there is no_ **

**_'desert ice'_ **

**_no green marble_ ** **_but melting sand_ **

**_and_ ** **_shifting wax_ **

****

**_I move him_ **

**_as he moves me_ **

****

**_they_ ** **_said_ **

**_I could never be happy_ **

**_never be loved_ **

**_they_ ** **_said_ **

**_it was impossible._ **

**_I know_ **

**_that it was not._ **

****

****

**** **Finis**


End file.
